Rivalry Week is upon us.  By Week 6, we are just past a third of the way into the season.  We have gone through the first round of division play and are working our way through our non-conference games.  We’re starting to get a good feel for what each team is, but there is still plenty of time to change trajectories.  What better way to keep a good thing going or to turn your team around than by beating your rival from the other side of the league?

We start with the oldest rivalry in the league.  The Hamburg Hooligans take on the Nigerian Yaks for roughly the 57^th time.  This season, both teams are coming in with records that don’t quite match the scores that they’ve been putting up.  The problem is that neither of these teams can play defense, apparently.  The Yaks have given up the most points in the league, an average of 106.77 points per game.  The Hooligans have given up 105.34, good for 4^th most.  Of course, that means this will probably be a low scoring game.  Historically, the Hooligans usually win this matchup in the regular season, and will again this week.

T**m H**s takes on Trash Pandas in a game that pits two guys that don’t care if that girl is your sister, they’ll hook up with her anyway.  If the season ended today, both of these teams would be in the playoffs.  I know, I don’t like the sounds of that either.  But both have averaged over 100 points a game and that usually means a win far more often than not.  This week the Pandas started the wrong QB, choosing Caleb Williams over Baker Mayfield.  That will cost them, even with a gimpy Diontae Johnson in H**s’ lineup.  (Update at 11:17 am:  Just kidding!)

Our next matchup is the annual contest to determine who Louise loves more, her actual son Hairbear or basically her stepson, Bolsheviks.  Hairbear was one of my picks to make it to the championship this season.  They have basically been terrible ever since.  But not as bad as the Bolsheviks, who are averaging a paltry 77.24 points per game.  That’s easily the worst in the league.  That will happen when you are relying on a receiver who has been underperforming as it is, then he was reportedly going on IR on Wednesday, but then on Friday it was reported that he would play this week.  I’m sure Michael Pittman will be fine.  Hairbear by 20.  He gets to show up to his mom’s for Thanksgiving again this year.

Speaking of teams that have been dealing with disappointing players, Team Blitz-Craig takes on nWo in a battle to see who is Hutch Tech’s finest.  It doesn’t matter that nWo actually went to one of the West Senecas, they seem like they have always been part of the Hutch Tech crew so we’re going with it.  Normally this would be a pretty unfair game in favor of Blitz-Craig, but this season, not so much.  Blitz-Craig has gotten almost nothing from Anthony Richardson and Mark Andrews, and they are still waiting for Nick Chubb to debut.  nWo can’t find a consistent WR, but Saquon and Brock Purdy will be enough to put them over this week.

In a battle to see who has the bigger balls, Balls of Hate takes on Liq-ourballs.  But let’s be real.  Both of these teams would rather be in a secluded room pounding some liquor and trying to figure out just how many QBs are enough and how much is too much to spend on one.  Somehow, Balls of Hate come in at 4-1, but injuries and bye weeks are really hurting them this week.  So much so, that they didn’t bother picking up a HC and left their highest scoring player of the week, George Kittle, on the bench.  Liq is countering with not much, to be honest.  How did I lose to both of these teams?  I guess Liq will win this week, 51-49, thanks to Mike Tomlin.

Turbo and Shock Value both come into this week at 4-1.  What kind of world are we living in?  Is this something else that we can chalk up to being a mess now due to global warming?  Turbo is starting to deal with some injury issues now.  I never feel good about guys getting hurt.  Just kidding.  If those guys getting hurt also hurt Turbo, I’m all for it.  Shock Value will continue to roll with Nigerian Yak favorite Kurt Cousins leading the way.  They’ve already posted a big game from Ken Walker and Marvin Harrison Jr. will help to neutralize Kyler Murray’s scoring.  Shock Value wins easily.  By the way, nobody should be allowed to use Sr. or Jr. on their jersey unless their father or son has also played in the league.  Marvin Harrison Jr.? Fine.  Deebo Samuel Sr.?  Get the F out of here with that.

We’re at the point in the schedule where I still had teams left that needed a game for the week and I didn’t have any real rivalry strings to attach to them, so you get who you get and I’ll try to write a good story for why it matters.  It turns out that John Wulf is the illegitimate uncle of My Ball Zach Ertz, who also used to aspire to be in a barbershop quartet.  Through no real fault of their own, nWo Wulfpack has been a target of MBZE’s ire since they took over for the OG Wulfpack.  Interestingly, and they don’t tell this to many people, Wulfpack has always felt that the only thing worse than going to a restaurant and getting a dude as a server is going to the hospital and getting a dude as a nurse.  So the hatred between these teams is as real as it gets.  Or not real at all.  You can decide.

Last, and probably least, we have the Teddy Ruxpins taking on the Mad Dogs.  Ruxpins dislike Mad Dogs because they think that hunting is inhumane.  They often sit back, while sipping some kind of fruity beer and enjoying a thick, juicy steak, and think about how animals are humans too.  Certainly more so than an unborn baby.  Meanwhile, Mad Dogs are still trying to figure out just how a Teddy Ruxpin can talk and are still confused why the bear doesn’t respond to him when he talks to it.  But since they have the more valuable handcuff to James Cook, the Mad Dogs will win this week.